Chapter 4 The Art of Moving On

Play list: Bring on the Rain - Jo Dee Massina

What You Least Expected

Chapter 4 - The Art of Moving On

I was stumbling through the dark.

Grasping at thin air and falling to my knees.

My throat was tight, my muscles were bunched.

My heart ached.

"Honey," I felt Dad's hand on my shoulder, his rough ringer tips pressing me gently.

Without emotion, I turn my eyes to meet my eyes with his matching brown ones. It's such a strange feeling, being so sad but not having an energy to exert it from your body. I was so tired, but yet so awake.

I felt hollowed out.

I had nothing left.

"Bella," Dad tried again to gain my full attention. "Honey, I want you to go." He finally told me.

I could only blink as I let his words sink in, but I had cotton in my ears. I was lying under a blanket of heavy water. Nothing had recollection or value.

I felt the couch shift next to me as he sat down beside me.

"Bella," Dad sighed as he fought to keep his composure. "He's not coming back." His words rang with the inevitable finality I knew I would hear in the sound of his voice.

My fingers darted up and brushed away the first traces of newly shed tears.

"I know that." I admitted calmly. "I know that he's gone, Dad."

We were quiet for a long time. Me, sitting on the couch in his small cramped staring off into space as dad resting beside me, calmly contemplating what to say next.

"Bella?" Charlie's voice came softly to me. "Honey..."

I glanced up at him as he hovered next to me from his chair in the living room. I stared at him, blankly and forlorn.

"Honey," he stammered, looking concern and beaten down. "You know that I love you and that I want you here...but it's been weeks."

At his emphasis on the passing time, I glanced out the window and noticed the leaves on the trees had begun to change and fall off the trees. They're brown color murky and dead as they drifted from the tree tops to the fading green grass. Everything here used to be so green...so full of life. Gone were the bright colors and happiness that lit up the area.

Much like me, the changes had left everything in its wake dead.

Dead. Brown and tans painted across the woods. It was ordinary here.

Like I was.

"...and I," Charlie continued. "Honey, he's not coming back." He averted his eyes and I involuntarily trembled, fighting the sob that wanted to make its way from my chest.

"I know." I looked away as a lone tear trekked its way down my cheek. I didn't bother to wipe it away this time.

Alice had left FIDM to come up to Forks the moment Esme called her. I think that Carlisle and Esme were hoping that Edward's twin could help them decipher what was going on in his mind. Maybe they had hoped with her help, they would find him. I hadn't seen any of them since they'd all left last week in search of him.

Rosalie had been upset with me when she found out what had happened. Not that I expected anything less. Rosalie never liked me much to begin with. This just brought everything to the surface.

"You're an idiot." She'd told me calmly but with a voice dripping distain. "It serves you right for putting yourself in that sort of situation. You knew how he felt about that dog, so how the fuck did you think Edward would have reacted when he had he seen you in a compromising position together?" She'd sneered.

I hadn't responded to her question or accusation. Just stood and stared dubmly at her for a moment while she waited for my answer. I think I must have looked like a fish, gaping mouth, stupid look on my face. Her eyes were searching for something as she stared at me, and when I couldn't take it anymore I'd just turned on my heel and walked out of that house for the last time.

Emmett and Jasper had been away in Atlantic City for the next two weeks at a physicians conference. I didn't even know if they knew what was going on. I didn't even have the energy to care.

Dad's voice brings me from my reverie. "I think...well, maybe you should, you know...transfer schools, get out of here...try to start yourself a new life..." Dad continued. "...maybe a change of scenery is what's best."

"You want me to leave?" I asked brokenly, finally hearing what he was saying through his rambling and my own inner dialog. Returning my eyes to him, I blinked at him through hot tears and a broken heart.

"No...I never want you to leave, honey." Charlie groaned and shook his head in frustration and pain. "I love having you here with me. I love you, Bella." he scrubbed his hands over his face and then reached over and took my hand in his tightly. "I just think...being here and going back on campus...I think it'll be hard for you."

I didn't respond.

"Honey, when your mother left me...it...I wasn't in a good place." He sighed. "Sometimes I wonder if I'd left this town and started over somewhere else...maybe the pain would be less."

"I can't afford to just up and move Dad. All of my money goes to my student loans and my bills, that's why I didn't let Edward put me on the mortgage. There's no way I can afford to do anything on my own. I hardly make anything from my writing."

"Well, I have some money put aside." He held up his hands when I started to argue. "It's money that I'd be leaving to you anyway, can't take it with me Bells."

"Don't talk like that." I scowled at him. "You're aren't going anywhere and that money is supposed to be for your retirement."

"Honey, I don't need it. The house is paid off, I own my truck. All the money I'll eventually get from social security will pay for my taxes and all the worms I'll need for my fishing." He smiled gently. "I have everything I need except the knowledge that you're happy and safe."

"Dad," I shook my head. I didn't want his money, it wasn't right for me to take it.

"Bella, I want you to go. You need to get away from here. You deserve happiness, and I don't think that's something you can find for yourself in this town anymore." Leaning close, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me up and into a hug. "I love you honey, but it's time to start living for you. I won't let what happened to me, happen to you."

It was a show of emotion I'd rarely seen in Charlie. In that moment with his arm draped around me in loving comfort, I succumbed to all the emotions I felt.

All the hopelessness and frustration.

The loneliness and pain.

My heartbreak and loss.

"Daddy," I broke down, burring my face into his shoulder and gave in to it all.

I'd shook from emotion and fear as all my tears fell.

"I know honey..." He hushed as his lips brushed the top of my head. "I know."

Holding me in his arms in the tiny living room of our tiny house, I sobbed until I slept.

-WYLE-

Forty-eight hours later

"So, do you think this is all you're going to need?" Dad lugged my large suitcase through the terminal of the airport. "It's not an awful lot, Bells."

"It's everything I need." I wrapped my arms around myself. "The campus has everything in the dorms and everything else is right there locally. I'll be fine."

"If you're sure." Dad seems unconvinced, even as I nod my reassurance.

These last few days have aged us both drastically.

"You'll call me once you land?" Dad shifts anxiously from foot to foot as we near the security area dividing the airport.

This was it, the point where I would kiss my father goodbye and start my new life on the East coast.

"Yes." I promised.

"And when you get settled in?" Dad asked for now the forth time since we'd gotten in the car to drive to Seattle.

"Yes, dad." I smiled softly and search his face. "I thought you wanted me to go?"

"I do."

"Then why are you making me feel like I shouldn't have listened to you?" I stared at him as waves of emotion started to engulf me. "There's still time for me to back out. I can stay." We both know all he would have to do is say the words.

I'm not sure who's more terrified right now, him or I.

"No." He shook his head. "I want this for you honey. It's a good opportunity for you...it's just...your my little girl."

Tears filled my eyes when I see his face. His own eyes red and puffy with emotion.

"Dad,"

"Don't you worry about your old man." He stops me. "I'll be okay. You just make sure you call me every once and a while so I know you're safe."

"I will."

"I want to hear all about this master program and your new job once you're all settled in."

"I'll call as often as I can." I promised as tears started to heat my cheeks.

In all honesty, it was a stroke of luck. Within hours, I applied and was accepted in the Master's English program at Northeastern University. Being accepted into the program meant gaining a paid internship at Candlewick Press, a well known children's publishing house based in Somerville. To say I was blown away was an understatement.

It was the opportunity of a lifetime for me.

It was a chance for the clean break I needed.

Once I applied and they offered, there was no way I could look back or turn in down. I was glad, despite my anxiety...I knew keeping busy with my studies and a new job would help me function. I just needed to forget for a while...until I could heal.

I think deep down I knew that this was the only option I had. When I got the call from the admissions office yesterday morning I'd immediately accepted and agreed to the terms of the scholarship. I didn't have anything holding me back and I was out of options.

It was either take the chance and change my entire life, or continue down the path I was currently on.
I wasn't sure what I wanted until I got that call yesterday but once I hung up with them and all arrangements made, there was no going back or changing my mind.

All that was left to do was cut my ties.

It was a silent agreement my father and I had from the moment I booked my flight to Boston using a prepaid credit card.

Once I left this dreary town, my old life would be all that remained. I might have been running, but it was my only chance at survival. If I stayed here, I'd die from something more horrible than death.

Despite my love for Alice and the other members of the Cullen family, I knew that I could never see them again. If I wanted a chance at any type of normal life, I needed to disappear from their lives for good.
Just the way he had left mine - without a trace.

"Come here," Dad held his arms out to me, pulling me from my reverie. "I love you, kid." He kissed the top of my head as he crushed me to his chest.

"I love you." I whispered emotionally. "Please, tell Esme..and Alice that I'm sorry, that I love them always" My voice catches in my throat before I can finish. I swallow hard, force the emotion down and push the words out. It's the hardest thing to admit, even though I know it's true. "-but I need this."

"I will." Dad breathed understanding into my hair.

As I pulled away, he ushers me to the security check point and set my carry on bags down in the short line in front of the metal detectors.

It only take a few minutes to reach the head of the line where the final steps will be ones hat will change everything for the rest of my life.

With one last glance at my dad, I slipped through security. He smiled and waved gently from his spot, still as a statue except for his hand. I falter for a moment, feeling the panic creeping in on me. It's then that I cling to what I've convinced myself these last few hours like a life raft. My steps stagger and I drop my carry on to my feet before I take a deep calming breath. I can see Dad from the corner of my eye, anxious as ever but keeping his cool by staying still and letting me work though it. I think we both know that at this point I'll take anything as an excuse to stay, but deep inside I know I what I must do.

When I open my eyes I'm more resolved and even though I'm terrified, I blow him a kiss goodbye, pick up my bag and headed toward the boarding gate.

This time, I don't look back.

-WYLE-
-Almost Four Weeks Later-


Boston was everything. The distraction was exactly what I needed at just the right time.

My classes were long but intriguing, my days seemed short, but full. I had very little time to think of anything that hurt. That was a blessing.

The student housing was cramped, but affordable and convenient to all my classes. I was luckier than most, only having to share with one roommate. Although, she was probably the loudest person in Boston, Maggie was great. A gorgeous Irish redhead from "Southie" as she affectionately called it.

I was still learning the Boston lingo.

"Bella!" My exuberant roommate shouted from behind the bathroom door. "Are you okay in there?"

She radiated energy like someone else I knew and practiced a protective concern that I was used to. Despite the fact we'd only known each other for a few weeks, Maggie had taken me right under her wing from the moment I stepped foot through the door.

It didn't take long for us to connect. She had confessed that she had also recently went through a bad breakup from a relationship that had taken her through college. So in a way, we were both in the same boat.
So far, we'd provided each other with welcomed and much needed distractions from our pain.

She was exactly what I needed.

"Bella?" Maggie called again, this time with more concern.

I moaned from the floor in the bathroom. My head stilled buried in the toilet bowl.

"Hon," Maggie wrapped on the door, her subtle Bostonian accent slipping out. "Let me take you to the clinic. You've been puking fa days." She worried.

"I'm okay," I groaned through the door. "It'll pass."

Even I was finding my fib hard to believe, but I would do anything to avoid doctors.

My adverse reaction to them had seemed to grow since my breakup. Whenever I saw a doctor, my stomach would twist in pain.

I think Maggie realized this and that's why she didn't really push the subject.

"Bella?" Maggie called to me again.

I groaned and slumped to the floor. The cool tile felt good on my skin.

"I'm okay." I leaned my head against the wood of the door. "I think it's just nerves."

My internship had started with Candlewick earlier this week. I loved the job, but it was much more responsibility than I was used to. I was still adjusting.

"If you're sure." She sounded unconvinced.

"Yea, I'm fine." I answered, wiping a hand across my clammy forehead.

"I need to head to class then. Will you be here when I get out around four? We could grab pizza for supper, maybe pick up some beer and an action flick with an obscene amount of blood and guts?"

I had to chuckle at that. Maggie and I had been on a romance boycott. Anything and everything having to remotely do with love or romance was not allowed in our apartment.

"Yea that sounds good. I'm standing in as a TA for Jodi in a Biology class until four thirty, but after I can grab something on my way home." Then I groaned having realized the reason for my covering for Jodi this afternoon. "I hope I don't have what she's got." I complained.

"Yuck. You and me both, cause I don't want it!" Maggie complained. "I'll buy some Lysol on my way home. Are you sue you'll be okay?"

"Yeah. I just need to lay down for a few minutes, then I'm going to get going."

"Okay!" Maggie called as she started to walk away from the bathroom. "Text me half hour before you're headed home and I'll call something in so you don't have to wait long."

"Sounds good." I shouted back. "See you tonight!"

"See ya!"


-WYLE-


"All right everyone, settle down." Professor Jones brings the room to attention.

Turning to me, he smiles warmly and hands me a stack of packets to hand out.

"Today we begin the chapter on Embryology. The packets that Isabella is handing out to you will be the main tool of your studies. They're yours to keep, so put your name on them. You're only getting one people, so if you loose it, you need to find Isabella or Jodie and give them ten bucks for a new copy."

I walk down each row, doing my best not to trip over the bags and books scattered along the floor under the tables as I hand out the material.

"We'll start with the first stage. Fertilization." Doctor Jones smirks like a teenager while the room erupts with cat calls and snickering.

I smile at the antics and make my way to the last row in the room. When I reach the last student, my foot catches on the desk and I find myself falling forward. To my surprise, someone shoots up from beside me, almost as if they were ready for my clumsy moment. Strong arms wrap around my waist and I'm crushed tightly to a firm chest.

"Are you okay? The stranger breaths softly into the hair right above my ear.

I tense slightly, not use to such a proximity from another.

I look up through my lashes and find a handsome face looking down at me, his crystal blue eyes full of concern and something else.

"I'm fine." I tell him softly, before straightening up and pulling away. "Thank you." Subconsciously, my arms automatically wrap around my chest as pain laces its way through me.

"You're sure?" He doesn't seem convinced as he brushed blonde hair out of his face. His brow is suddenly knitted with concern as he watches my reaction. "Here," he tells me pulling out a seat. "You look a little pale, maybe you should sit for a second, that could have been a nasty fall."

"Thanks, but I'm okay." I tell him, glancing down at the scatted papers. I quickly bend to gather the fallen packets. He must notice my distress before I reacted, because he bends at the same time and we bump heads.

"Ouch," We both say in unison, our hands coming up to sooth the throb where our heads connected.

"Sorry," I mumble, my face heating with embarrassment as I continue to reach for the packets. It's his warm laugh that draws my eyes up to his face.

"It must be my boyish good looks that are turning you into a fumbling ball of clumsy." He tells me with a smile. "I'm Liam, by the way...Isabella, isn't it?" He holds his hand out.

I chew my lip. "It's Bella, actually. I prefer Bella."

"Well, Bella it's a pleasure to meet you." He replies smoothly with a sparkle in his eyes.

I try my best to smile at his harmless flirting, but I'm distracted as Doctor Jones's voice calls out loudly and makes an example of our disruption.

"Collins', thank you for the lead up to my lecture! For those of you in the room who don't understand, Liam is flirting with Ms. Swan." He swings his gaze around the room focusing on each student. " Now, in this case, if the male is lucky, the initial action will eventually lead to intercourse should the male play his cards right." A smirk lights up his face as his eyes turn back to the two of us. "From there an embryo will be created." His eyes are full of humor as he stares at us. "Collins', I know Isabella is beautiful and it's hard to resist, but flirt on your own time."

Doctor Jones winks before he dives into the lecture head on like nothing has happened. I can tell I must be the shade of a tomato.

Quickly, I snatch up the rest of the papers and make my way back to the front of the room with my eyes downcast.

I am beyond mortified.

Settling into my chair, I adjust my note book and begin scribbling notes down.

It isn't until we are three quarts of the way through the material that we begin to focus on the course's focus; Human embryogenesis.

"The embryonic period in humans begins at fertilization. I'm referring to the penetration of the egg by the sperm." Doctor Jones explains. This process continues until the end of the tenth week of gestation. At this point in gestation, the development of the embryo has been through massive changes. The first eight to nine weeks of the embryonic period of a fetus are the most crucial. It's during this time that the organism will develop hair and major organs. The brain will flourish in it's development as well as the heart and nervous system. From the eighth week until birth the developing organism is then referred to as a fetus."

As I listen to Doctor Jones's lecture, something strange happens as his words sink in and take root in my mind. In my head, I tick off my recent symptoms along with the length of time between now and the last time I'd actually had sex. I think about the nausea, dizzy spells and general unease I've felt. My exhaustion and irregular menstrual cycle along with the vomiting, clammy skin and unexplained bloating.

Everything suddenly snaps together like intricate puzzle pieces.

I hadn't even realized I had tears running down my face until I feel the weight of the eyes of the entire class on me.

"Isabella," Doctor Jones is knelt down at my side, his touch on my hand is light as he looks into my distressed face. I hadn't even seen him approach me. "Are you all right dear?"

All I can do is shake my head lightly as the stun of my revelation begins to fade.

"Do you need to step out?" He asks softly so no one else can hear.

"Yes, sir." I reply weakly. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine." He squeezes my hand gently. "Do you need someone to help you somewhere? Is there anything I can do?"

I shake my head slowly. "No sir, I'll be okay. I apologize for the disruption."

"That's all right Isabella. If you need to be excused you're dismissed. That's not a problem."

"Thank you, sir."

I wipe my hands under my eyes to clear away the tears before I tuck my notes into my note book and shove them into my bag.

"Stop by my office in a few days." Doctor Jones rests his hand on my shoulder when I stand. "Feel better." He says a little louder and gives my shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"Thank you, sir." I answer weakly, pulling my bag over my shoulder and gathering my jacket.

Without waiting any longer, I slip from the room red faced with embarrassment.

A block from my apartment, I stop inside a small CVS pharmacy on the corner. Hesitantly, I step into the planned pregnancy isle and face a wall of home pregnancy test. I gather four types before heading to the check out and making my purchase.

Thirty minutes later, I'm sitting on the floor of my tiny bathroom surrounded by empty boxes and plastic applicators.

All eight tests tell me the same thing but in different words.

Pregnant


Yes!


Positive


II - two lines = Pregnant!


My world spins somewhere between absolute horror and pure joy.

As I sink deeper to the floor, tears cascade down my face hot and continuous as I realize and come to terms with what's as true as than the sun rising in the east.

I'm pregnant with Edward's baby.

I'm pregnant and all alone.