Chapter 6. What it Feels Like

-What You Least Expected-

Chapter 6. What it Feels Like

"I'm going to kill him." Dad quickly stands from his chair at the kitchen table.

"No Dad!" I'm up just as quickly, throwing myself in front of him like a human shield.

I've never seen dad move so fast before. It's like I'm not even here as he pushes past me with determination toward the front door and reaches for his service revolver.

"Dad!" My hands are shaking as I pull at his flannel shirt in a vain effort to halt him. My voice cracks as tears start to slide down my cheeks. "Please, dad...stop."

My plea seems to sway him for just a moment. I can only assume that the tenor of my voice is what makes him stop and look at me.

"Please." I beg.

Something he sees in my face makes him stop.

Just as swiftly as he was up and determined to leave, he's back and carefully folding me into the protection of his arms. I stifle a sob as he hold me against him and the smell of him washes over me, so familiar but yet so foreign. My father has never been one to show any affection but I've always felt he loved me no matter what.

"Oh honey." He whispers into my hair as he plants a gentle kiss on the crown. "Why didn't you come to me sooner?"

"I was scared."

"Scared?" He seems confused. "Of what? You should know by now that you can come to me for anything Bella."

"I didn't want you to be ashamed."

"Of you?" Dad asks softly, incredulously. "Bella, I could never be ashamed of you. Ever."
.
.
.

"There's nothing in the house Bella." Dad looks guilty. "I wasn't expecting you."

Now I'm the one feeling guilty.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Sorry? I'm not. Having you here means everything to me Bella. I love you, no matter what happens in your life that's never going to change."

I swallow hard as tears well up in my eyes.

"What I meant, is that I wasn't planning to spend Thanksgiving here. I'll be at the station covering for the night so that the boys can be home with their families."

I hadn't thought of that, even though it was blatantly obvious.

Charlie was a perpetual bachelor.

"Oh, well...I could cook and bring dinner to you..." I shrugged. Trying to keep the suggestion light. Having him out of the house and the kitchen all to myself was making me consider the idea to be a great one. It had been a long time since I'd had a room filled with silence all to myself.

The time to get lost in my thoughts without the distractions of other voices and opinions...and the kitchen would be a welcome distraction too.

A place to lose myself in savory aromas and complex recipes.

As if hearing my inner monolog, my father's voice invades my thoughts of the awaiting blissful numbness I'm ready to feel.

"I don't want you to go to any trouble, honey."

"It's not any trouble." I scoffed. "You're my dad."

I could tell he was hesitant at first, but that he understood the burning desire to just be alone with my own thoughts was too appealing. I didn't even have to explain myself. He himself had been there too, once not so long ago.

"If you say so." Charlie smiled at my stubbornness. "It still doesn't change the fact that I don't have a turkey in the house or any of the trimmings."

"I'll go down to the market." I said quickly, my voice filled to the brim with eagerness and determination. "I can get up early, cook something here and bring it back to you at the station." I was about to gather my heavy coat from the front hall when my father stopped me.

A small smile graced his mouth. I could tell by his eyes that he wanted to say more, but he held back. "Okay. Here," he reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet.

"I have money dad." I protested.

"I know you do." He insisted as he pulled out a few bills. "Get something sweet for the three of us to share. Consider this my first attempt at spoiling my grand baby."

Tears started to brim my eyes at his small show of acceptance. I wasn't sure what I had expected when I came here, but I think I was uncertain of how my father would react. Part of me was terrified he'd be angry enough to shut me out. I was afraid to lose another person in my life.

He watches emotion pass over my face and his own mouth crumples into a frown. Not a frown I'd expected though, the set of his mouth reflects the pride that shines in his eyes for me. This frown is what his mouth twists into when he trying hard not to cry.

When his lips begin to quiver I feel my own eyes well up and spill over. Before I can stop and second guess myself, I launch at him. With his arms wrapped around me I sob into his neck. The scent of wet evergreens, the musk of his aftershave, and the feeling of family overwhelm me in his arms. When I feel him shaking with emotion and pulling me close I allow myself to breakdown without fear.

"I love you, daddy." I whisper, pulling him tighter to me.

"Oh honey." He whispers into my hair as he hold me just as tightly. "I love you so much, Bella. Everything will be fine, you don't have to worry about anything."

I wanted to believe him, but somehow I knew that despite the comfort he wanted me to feel, he knew as well as I did that nothing would ever be fine again.

-WYLE-

When I originally thought to go to the store, I hadn't really thought the whole thing through.
For instance, it didn't really occur to me at the time that I could have run into someone from my past. Maybe part of me figured that everyone would have what they needed on Thanksgiving eve.

Besides, if I was going to run into anyone it certainly wouldn't be any of the Cullens.
Esme's holiday's were events, every aspect was prepared weeks in advance and coordinated down to the last candle stick. I was confident that my quick trip to and from the Thirftway would be uneventful and undetected.

It wasn't that I was hiding out, well maybe I was. The truth being I was still pretty numb. At this point, I didn't really care either though. I sobered myself to believe that this was my life, my time with my father, and nothing was going to stop me from going to the grocery store and picking up what I needed to prepare a family meal for the two of us.

For the Three of us.

I didn't want to be a coward, I was an adult. I was a mother now and I was tired of crying tears of loss and grief. This was my life now, even if it no longer included Edward. I needed to take a stand for myself now no matter how terrifying I felt of doing it. I needed to be strong for myself and for my baby.

I could be like Edward. I would be like him.

Even with all the anger, hurt and distain flowing through my veins now, I could move on too. I could have a life of my own.

I would show them all.

Then, someday, when I was strong enough, when my shell was firmly in place, when my armor was all that I needed, I would go to him and tell him of his child and he would see the proof.

That we didn't need him and his high and mighty attitude. That he missed out on a shot at a life and a family with someone who loved him more than the stars and the moon.

I would prove that I wouldn't have emptiness or pain from his loss. I would should him that I could just as easily move on and make a great life for myself. He would see it when he saw me from a distance, my head would be held high and proud and I wouldn't spare him a single glance.

For now though, I resolved that being ready for that moment would be my secondary focus. Now, I would set myself on a path of success and accomplishments that would only add depth and meaning to my life.

After Thanksgiving I would return to Boston, finish my master's degree and move up within Candlewick Publishing. I wouldn't need Edward, or anyone else for that matter. I would find my own security within myself and my child and I would be happy and full.

I would not fail and I wouldn't falter.

I would survive, because that's what I knew was right.

I was going to be a mom now and I knew being a single mom would be the greatest of all challenges, but it would be one that I would master no matter the cost.

Was I selfish and horrible? Could I keep Edward from knowing about a child he fathered?
The truthful answer to that questions was yes, but it was a decision that I had to believe was for the best.

Edward's life didn't need to become more complicated with the addition of a baby. It would be unfair of me to push this burden on him so early into his medical career, so early in his life. He'd worked too long and too hard for me to come back around at this point and complicate things for him. Even when we'd still been together, children were a topic Edward had always wanted to keep on the back burner. He'd always said he wanted them, just at a point where we were more finically stable to have them.

Logically, I knew that it would have been a few years before we battened down his medial school loans anyhow. Not that it mattered anymore.

Besides, I could raise our child to know Edward. I could fill his life with photos and stories of his father. I would make sure that he knew how wonderful and special his father is and how much I was sure he would love him.

I would do those things.

Still, those things, those big dreams and hopes were of someone who was on the mend.

Someone who was still so twisted and broken but I had to try.

So, even though I was working on a plan to get better and thrive, it wasn't exactly an easy task to partake in. Especially, with the love of my life, the father of my child, sat not too far from me on the other side of town with another woman. I wasn't going to let the thought of him stop me though. I needed to be brave, even though I knew I was terrified.

Once I put the thought in my head, I forced myself to do the mundane tasks that were needed. I wanted to cook Thanksgiving dinner for my father, so I didn't let the idea of Edward Cullen stop me. Instead, I decided that incognito was my best option. If I wasn't seen, it would be like I wasn't there. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

That's how my journey to the store began.

After digging around in my fathers hallway closet, I came across a Christmas gift I'd given him a few years ago when he and his fishing buddies had tried their hand at ice fishing. After piling my hair up inside the big winter hat I'd gifted to my father, I tucketed myself into the folds of my big down jacket and climbed into my rental to make the twenty minute journey up to the Thriftway.

Even though I hoped this journey would be as short lived as possible, I took comfort in the idea that this adventure would be a quick and discreet one. For that fact, I would be most thankful.

With this bulky jacket and hat that engulfed me, it provided a decent amount of cover I desperately needed to feel secure. I needed invisibility, and I prayed this disguise would provide it to me while I put myself out into the center of unwanted attention.

Silly as it was, I hoped more than anything that if I ran into anyone during my trip, I'd be able to sink away undetected.

For the most part, the Thriftway was empty when I arrived but I knew my luck couldn't last long so I tried to be as quick as possible.

Grabbing a cart, I steered it down the canned goods isle and began filling up on trimmings. Not really caring if my father liked green beans or not, I ticked off what I need to make a casserole and made a mental note of where I need to go next in the giant store.

Stopping off in the bakery for something sweet was easy enough. There wasn't much left to choose from after all of the holiday stragglers had picked through all the good confectionary, but I was able to pick up some fresh baked assorted cookies that I knew dad would love. I resolved on making him a traditional homemade apple pie with real crust and vanilla ice cream. All that was left on my list now were potatoes, fresh apples and the celery stock for my stuffing.

As I walked I stared down into my fully loaded shopping cart and felt a smile overtake my face. I felt so good right now. Happy and light at the idea of a family holiday with just me and dad. It had been so long since I'd felt even a touch of normalcy.

Maggie was so right about sending me here to my dad. This trip was just what I needed to feel better, despite what I'd originally thought.

It wasn't until I rounded the corner for the produce department to pick up my last item, fresh potatoes for mashing, that I'd heard it and my world came to a screeching halt.

"Who the hell eats nothing but Tofu, anyway?" Edward's biological brother Emmett's gruff voice came from a small display case in the corner of the store. "I mean, it's not even meat." He whined.

"It's vegetarian food, Emmett. That's sort of the point." Jasper, Edward and Emmett's older adopted brother's sweet southern drawl came from behind me.

I stood frozen, facing an end cap display lined with about 2 dozen types of turkey seasonings praying I would go unnoticed or that the floor would suddenly open up and swallow me without a trace.

"Well, vegetarians are stupid." Emmett muttered with an exasperated tone. "How the hell am I supposed to know what she likes anyway? There's like six different kinds to choose from for Christ sake!"

"Like I care, just pick one so we can get the hell out of here." Jasper chuckled.

"Why do I need to pick it?" Emmett argued. "Edward should have had to be the one to come here. He should know what shit she like, shouldn't he? Damn it, this is such bullshit."

"Yea, well you know how mom is, she just wants to make Tanya feel welcome."

The name cut through me like knives. Undoubtedly the blonde hair beauty at the piano with Edward, rather than try to sneak away I stood motionless. It was like watching a car wreak and being unable to look away from it.

"Besides, Tanya is Edward's guest. It's not like mom would send him out and make her uncomfortable. She doesn't know any of us well enough yet." Jasper tried to sooth Emmett's aggravation. Ever the patient and understanding brother, he was always the mediator of the family, trying to keep them all happy and together.

I wonder if he ever wondered what I was up to? We used to be pretty close, seeing as Alice was my best friend. Jasper had become a silent comrade and a partner in crime in many instances. We used to have such great times together.

"Whatever. It's bullshit, if Bella were still around I wouldn't have to put up with this bullshit." Emmett grumbled.

"Well, she isn't around anymore." Came Jasper's quick matter of fact reply, full of agitation. "I think we all might need to realize that now and just move on."

It was a sucker punch to my midsection, a confirmation of my painful reality. I tried hard not to gasp as the pain sliced it's way through me, now suddenly as fresh and as overwhelming as the first strike.

I couldn't be upset with Jasper. I could only imagine how hard it was for him to deal with Alice since I'd gone from their lives. We were close enough to sisters rather than friends.

I wondered if she was angry or unset with me? If she looked for me once she realized I's left Forks and never looked back?

"Don't be like that, Jaz." Emmett seemed downtrodden again.

"You know I can't help it. It's a shit situation that I've been forced to deal with. How would you react if you were in my position? I can't take this shit for much longer."

"I know." Emmett sounded defeated and I wondered what Jasper meant. Could he be referring to Alice's mood? "I just wish she were still here." Emmett muttered softly. "At least she ate meat." He muttered as an afterthought.

A small hiccup of laughter escaped from my mouth as Jasper's laughter floated to me and covered my soul like a blanket. I couldn't move or acknowledge what was happening around me, but I still felt unexpectedly calm and serene in his presence.

I wanted so badly to turn to them and reveal myself, but something held me unmoving and kept me silent.

I wasn't part of their world anymore and nothing would change that now. It was better to just move on, like Jasper had suggested a few moments ago.
He was right.
"An excellent characteristic indeed." Jasper agreed with Emmett's observation. "Not that it was her most endearingly featured quality. Now, can you grab a couple packs of that shit so we can get out of here and mom can make her a damn tofu turkey?"

"Shit. Yeah you're right. Seriously, I want to get the hell out of here before we run into someone we knew from high school."

I couldn't help my smile at the comment, feeling my face stretch into a grin was so foreign but welcome. Being around the Cullen boys was like soup to the soul. I missed the two of them so much that it brought the painful ache back full force.

"There isn't anyone living around here anymore. Well, maybe Newton." Jasper said. "You know, I wouldn't really mind running in to him either."

Emmett's laughter was loud and boisterous as if Jasper's comment held some hidden meaning.
"Is he still at the sporting goods store?"

"Yeah, I think so. What else is he going to do? Blew his volleyball scholarship when he got injured last fall. The damage to his hands wasn't repairable."

Something inside of me clicked painfully at the mention of Mike's hands. Last fall, I'd watched him tackle Jacob Black to the ground at Angela and Ben's party just as my father had arrived. It had taken three officers, Ben and his best man Eric to pull Mike off of Jacob. I knew that my father had ordered the both of them to the hospital to be check out but I hadn't seen either of them after the EMT's had loaded them into separate ambulances.

Dad had told me the next day that Mike was recovering with minor injuries, but that Jacob had refused care at the hospital and disappeared right afterward.

I had no idea Mike's injuries were so serious.

Why wouldn't anyone tell me?

"Wish I'd have been there to see that show." Emmett was thoughtful. "Although, I would have hit that shit head without injuring myself, but that goes without saying. I'll still give Newton an A for effort since he's more of a lover and not a fighter. He can't help his fighting skills being shit, at least he got a hit in."

"I wouldn't let our brother hear you say that." Jasper's voice was suddenly serious.

"Whatever. Newton was only doing what Eddie boy should have done in the first place. The only reason he's pissed off at Newton, is because he was the one who manned up and beat the piss out of Black instead of tucking his tail between his legs and running in the other direction."

"You know Edward had his reasons." Jasper's voice was disapproving and thoughtful.

"Bull shit. He was the dumb ass." Emmett argued, suddenly angry. "Don't try to make it all seem like it was Bella's doing. He made the choices he made without piecing fact and reality together."

"I'm not putting anything on Bella." Jasper huffed. "Besides, why are we arguing about this shit in the middle of the Thriftway on Thanksgiving eve? It's all water under the bridge now. Whether or not we agree or disagree, it doesn't matter. Nothing we can do about it now, it's over and nothing about things are going to change."

"Says you. I'm not giving up, even if the rest of you have."

"Who said any of us gave up?" Jasper sounded angry now.

"Could have fooled me." Emmett muttered softly.

"Any way, " Jasper lamented, sounding like he was trying to collect himself. "Maybe we should go pay him a visit, see if he knows anything new?"

"It's not like we haven't got the time." Emmett agreed. "There's nothing else to do in this damn town."

"Please, there's plenty to do around here. You just have to use your imagination."

I listened as they walked up the isle towards the front of the store with their basket of intended buys but it wasn't until they reached the end that I allowed myself to look at their retreating forms.
"I don't have to use my imagination. I've got a bedroom to lock Rosalie in."

"Thanks, I really needed that visual image." Jasper joked.

My eyes followed them around the corner until my vision was obstructed by a mountain of canned goods but my eyes didn't stop searching, a small part of me wishing one of them had forgotten something and would come back around the corner so I could get another glimpse.

Time passed but It didn't feel like I'd stood there long. In fact, it felt like minutes ticketed by rather than an hour or more. When the Thriftway's closing manager rounded the same corner Emmett and Jasper had disappeared behind only what seemed like moments before with a look surprise on his face, I wasn't sure what I was expecting. Certainly not the words that tumbled from his mouth.

"I'm sorry Miss? I didn't realize you were back here, we're all closed up." He walked briskly toward me. "Are you all right?"

I hadn't realized I'd been standing there crying silently. Mourning the loss of a family I would never know again and trying to force myself from this spot. This town. This life that I was trapped in.

"I'm sorry." I rushed quickly. "I hadn't been paying attention and I didn't know you started to close for the night."

"That's all right." He said.

The man was older, maybe mid forties and greying at the temples of his rich brown hair. He reminded me of Jessica Stanley's father.

"Is it okay if I get these few things?" I pleaded, not caring if I had to give him all of the cash I had with me. I'd come here to get things for Thanksgiving dinner and now I might have lost my chances. "I have cash and you can keep the change."

What if I got my dad's hopes up and now I couldn't deliver what I'd promised? What the hell was wrong with me? Why was I letting myself become this sullen, desperate and pathetic idiot unable to function in the simplistic aspects of life?

I needed to get these groceries. Oh, God, what was I going to do if he didn't let me get them?
"That's not necessary." He smiled warmly. "Let's get you checkout and on your way. It's getting cold out there, are you shopping with anyone?"

Relieved at my good fortune in this kind stranger, I eagerly followed him to the front of the store to check out.

"No, I'm hear by myself, just getting a few last minute things. I surprised my father for Thanksgiving."

"Well, that's very nice of you. Chief Swan must be pretty happy about being spoiled by his daughter for the holidays."

"You know my father?" I'm not sure why I'm surprised, everyone knew dad in this town.

"Chief Swan?" He asks as he begins ringing in my items. "Of coarse, everyone know's him."

"Oh, right." I agreed, feeling like a total moron.

Real nice image to give the town folk, Isabella. The police chief's daughter is a tool. Great work!

After everything is bagged up and I've settles the bill, the clerk offers to help me to the car with the bags and even though I respectfully decline, he insists that nothing would give him greater happiness, so I obligee without anymore argument.

"Happy Thanksgiving Miss Swan." He smiles politely after loading everything into the trunk.
"You too, thank you sir."

"No problem," He quickly dismisses my good manners, no doubt cataloging my every move to spread the rumors around town n detail. "You have a good night."

I sure will. Is what I want to say to him. Thanks for giving the town more ammunition to use against me. As if I wasn't enough of an embarrassment to my father last fall. This will get them all talking for the next three to six months for sure.

Oh well. Not much I can do about it now.

I watch as the older gentleman retreats back to the store as I slide into the rental. It isn't long before I'm pulling away from the parking lot and getting on the street that leads back to my childhood home. Hopefully, if I've got any luck left I'll make it out of here fairly unscathed by Friday morning.


-WYLE-

"This looks amazing Bella." Dad is ecstatic as he watches me pull endless tupperware containers from the insulated cooler I've pulled into the station with me. "You shouldn't have gone to this much trouble."

"I wanted to, you know it's no trouble, I like cooking for you."

"Thanks. You know I won't complain, I only eat this good when you're home anyway."

"I know that." I laugh. "You need to start taking good care of yourself though, dad."

"I know, I'm going to start soon. I promise, right after the holiday I'll be regimented, I need to get in shape for my grand baby."

I smile and he chows down without another word.

We're halfway through homemade apple pie when conversation strikes up again.

"It'll be good having you close by again, I've really missed you cooking. Plus, I imagine Carlisle and Esme will be glad to help out as often as they can. What with Edward's busy schedule and you're career starting off, you kids will need all the support you can get to help you balance everything."

My fork clatters slightly in my pie plate at the mention of the Cullen's. It's an unexpected topic, but an obvious one. It takes me a moment to realize how everything sort of just zones out for a few seconds. I don't hear the rest of Charlie's sentence until the ringing in my ears had dulled down.

"So when are you planning to make the move back? If you need me to come up to Boston to help with your stuff, I can set some time up. You think you'll be ready in a few months? Probably don't want to cut it to close to your due date though, can they figure out a way for your to finish your degree online if you need to from here?"

"Dad," A raw gnawing forms at the pit of my center replacing the good feelings that had recently taken up the space of the pain not so long ago. "I'm not moving back."

At first, I don't think that he's heard me, but then I see the confusion on his face.

"Edward's moving to Boston, then?" He seems very surprised.

I'd be too. Though I'm not sure how he's arrived at the conclusion that Edward and I have worked all of this out.

"No." I leave no room for any other assumption other than the obvious.

"How will you share responsibility?" Then he asks the million dollar question. "How will you spilt custody if you aren't living in the same state? Bella, it wasn't easy for your mother and I and you were a little older when we split. I don't want that kind of life for you honey. It was very rough, on all of us."

"I know it wasn't easy, that's why I'm going to deal with it until the time is right."

"Wait a minute." I don't have to see the distinct motion of his chair to know that he's pushed it back and is now on his feet. "What do you mean you'll deal with it, Bella?"

"I'm going to take care of the baby, dad."

"God damn it, Bella." His voice is rough, full of heartbreak and disappointment.
No. I don't want him to be upset with me about this.

It's the right thing to do.

"Please, dad." I beg him to understand.

I feel the tears prick at the corners of my eyes as the weight of his stare is leveled on me. The silence is deafening as several moments tick by without a word between us.

"Does he know?" Dad's voice is calm and cool as a cucumber. He knows what I'm thinking and what I've planned. He knows because we are kindred souls. If he were in my position, he'd do the same. Hell, he did the same for my mother.

"He doesn't know yet." I clarified.

"Bella," My name was a wisp on his tongue. "You need to tell him what's going on. I know he hurt you, that you're scared, but he has a right to know. You shouldn't leave him in the dark about this."

"I know that he has the right. I know he does, dad." My hands are shaking and my breath is coming in gasps. "I'm not saying that I'll never tell him."

I met his eyes, so full of concern and love, most of all sympathy.

I didn't want any of it.

I didn't deserve it.

"The last time we were together..I..I... just need some time to get my head straight, dad."

"It's not going to get any easier." He quick to try to reason with me. "I can go with you, we can talk to him together."

"I don't want to go there." I can feel my temper ebbing. "I already tried and I just couldn't dad. I saw him with someone..." My voice catches and I gasp for breath. "And...and I know it's not a good enough reason, but it has to be right now. It just hurts too much, it's too new right now. I can't... I'm not ready to face him with this and I don't know if he'd even believe me if I told him."

"I know that it hurts, Bella, I know." Despite my father's lack of a showing affection, he's slid to a crouch in front of me and rested his palms against my knees. "It might feel like the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, but it won't be and I will be right there with you the entire time. It doesn't matter if he doesn't take your word for it. Telling him is enough of a courtesy on your part at this point."

"I just can't right now." A single tear slid down my cheek and I tried in vein to catch it before it dripped from my chin.

"I would never let him or anyone hurt you." Dad says the words, but even as they left his lips I knew he realized they weren't true. It's by the set of his jaw and the bob of his Adams apple that I see he knows that the once solemn promise he'd given to me when I was just a girl was now null and void.

Too much had happened in the last three months and it had change me.

It had changed everything.

"I know that, dad. It's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself." That was the truth, it wasn't his fault and there was nothing he could do to change it.

The future, my future was clearly written.

"You need to give him the opportunity to show you that he can be a good man, Bella." Dad reasons. "I know that the things that happened with the two of you and Jacob were damaging, but give him a chance. You and I could have him and Carlisle over, talk like adults..."

"Please, dad." I not past begging now. Giving a small shake of my head to let him know that I couldn't continue to have this argument.

He looked at me, long and hard as if contemplating something important.

"You're my little girl."

It was fact, more something he needed to hear himself say rather than be heard.

I nod my head, not knowing what else I could say, how else I could make him understand that I just wasted ready to face this down yet. That I tried to go there to that white house on the mountain and spill all of the secrets and truths that I held within me but that it couldn't be done.

I choked up and fled when the moment could have been executed the night before.

I was a coward, I knew this to be a fact but I knew I couldn't own up just yet.

"What about Alice?" Dad asked suddenly, like he's having a revelation. Like he's had an Alice sized epiphany.

Alice.

Her name is like the answer to a thousand questions with the practiced ease of breathing.
"Alice?" My best friend's name like a prayer on my tongue.

"Can you talk to Alice?" Dad's hopeful now, like he's found the answer.

Alice?

No.

Ouch. The pinch in my chest intensified as I thought of the other Cullen I had put out of my mind.

For the first time since I stepped foot back in the sleepy town, I wanted to run to the Cullen's and crawl in bed with my best friend. I wanted to feel her arms come around me and hold me together. I wanted to hear the mumbled words comfort and her patient advice that would set me on the right path.

She wasn't here though. She was lost. Lost to me and lost to my unborn child.

Would he ever know her?

Oh God.

"Honey?" Dad reached out and touched my shoulder lightly, almost like he was steadying me.

Not Alice, not anymore.

I didn't even know I was crying until he pulled me firmly into his arms.

-WYLE-

Black Friday's past had always been marked with shopping lists and bargain discounts.

It was early morning get ups, cups of extravagant lattes made by Esme's expensive Italian La Marzocco espresso machine and coffee maker, and a bountiful breakfast prepared by the family.

The car rides into Seattle were always loud and obnoxious, full of sibling rivalry and entertaining family games that helped us pass the three hour drive in the early morning traffic to get the best sales and most amazing holiday steals.

This Black Friday was different though.

This Friday, the blackest of any I've ever experienced, was something different in itself. Something new and inexperienced.

"Dad, you don't need to go to this much trouble." I protested as he loaded up the trunk of my rental. "I'm not an invalid you know, I'm barely one term pregnant for crying out loud."

He wasn't hearing it though. Man on a mission and all that, once my father set himself on something, that was it.

"I remember when your mother was pregnant with you. The first term is the most delicate." He mocked her tone perfectly, causing me to giggle at him. "Please let your old man do his thing. You're worrying about taking excellent care of yourself and my grand baby, nothing else."

I watch with amused glee as he fights my suitcase into the small confined trunk space.

"You're friend Maggie is meeting you at the airport in Boston, right?" He grunts over his shoulder.

"For the twelfth time today, yes." I smiled at his scowling lips. "Are you sure my old man doesn't need a hearing aid?" I laughed.

"Very funny, Isabella." He's satisfied the suitcase is secure and finally turns to face me. "Now, you have enough money?" Before I could answer the obvious, he pushed out his clarification by way of holding his hands up. "Not just for eating, you have money to start buying furniture and everything else you'll need for the baby?"

"Yes, daddy." I leaned forward and peck a kiss against the apple of his cheek.

Truth be told I had started to put away a little money some time ago and I had been lucky enough to land an internship with such a lucrative income at Candlewick Publishing. I could only hope that my good fortune with them would continue once I'd graduated from my master program and gained better footing through my internship.

"I mean it, Bells."

"I know, dad. If I need anything I'll call, I promise."

"You'd better and I want you to think about what I said about Edward and the Cullen's."

Nodding my head softly I let him pull me into a tight hug.

"I have a sonogram on Tuesday." I mumbled into his neck. "I'll call you when I finish with it."
"Ok." He squeezed me tight. "I love you honey."

"I love you too Dad." I pulled tighter. "Thank you for being so understanding...for not freaking out."

"Any time kid." He sighed into my fluffy winter coat. "You take care of yourselves. I love you both."

"We love you too dad."

Despite my protest, he helps me into the car and closed the door softly behind me.

Now, I have my goal within reach and there's no turning back.

I waste no time in buckling up, starting the car and putting it into drive. When I start to slowly pull away, I watched him in my rearview mirrors until he disappears from view in the distance.

Once into the horizon, I pressed my foot firmly down and I don't stop or slow down until I reach the Sea-Tac Airport.

I board my flight for Boston without looking back, knowing that this time my life will truely be forever changed.