-What You Least Expected-
Chapter 7. Survivor
A/N: Sorry this took a little long for me to post. Real life sucks sometimes, but I am trying hard to get at least one up a week. Chapter 8 is being edited (yes all chapters are written for this, but I meddle with them before they officially post. Sorry, it’s my prerogative as a writer to get a little anal sometimes! For those of you looking for MOMH updates, I’ve got the last few chapters with a beta and pre-reader. As always, I’m constantly adding and fixing so it takes me a bit. Sorry! It’s coming though, I promise!
Excuse any brevity and typos!
Playlist: Wanted You More - Lady Antebellum
“Oh God” I moan.
“All right, easy there.” Liam chuckles. “I’m about to get half a stock over here if you keep that shit up.”
“Liam!” Maggie giggles uncontrollably as she whacks him on the back of the head. “Behave would you?”
“Me behave?” He’s jokingly incredulous.“Seriously, tell her to behave! If I wasn’t watching her eating pickles and chocolate fondue I’d swear I was hearing her having sex.” His eye brows wag suggestively and his head tilts to the side to admire me. “I’d bet a sexed up Bella is damn hot.”
“Oh my God!” I laugh around the chocolate pickle currently occupying my mouth. “You are so wrong for that. I’m about to be someones mommy.”
“MILF!” Liam screams like a man that’s suddenly lost his mind. “Oh shit! You’re not living this down.” His finger stabs the air in my direction. “I’m totally referring to you as MILF from now on.”
“Will you shut up!” My eyes begin to water as I attempt to control my laughter and my very squished bladder. From my left Maggie snorts despite her terrible attempt to keep her laughter in and that’s the end of me.
I jump up and take off toward the bathroom, faster than a woman who’s nine months pregnant should be able to move I burst through the bathroom door and barely close it before dropping my pants. I feel physical and emotional relief when I make it to the toilet in time with my underwear still dry.
Sadly enough, this has become a greatest accomplishment for me lately.
Dry underwear, that is.
“Did you make it?” Liam shouts from my kitchen.
“Fuck you, asshole!” I shout through the bathroom door.
“With pleasure! Pregnant chicks are damn hot. Especially you Bella, I’d totally get behind that!”
“Maggie!” I squeal through my laughter, dabbing my eyes with toilet paper.
“Okay, Liam enough.” I can hear her trying desperately to control her laughter and sound authoritative toward her fiancée. “You know Bella’s sensitive.”
“I bet she is, it’s been what Bell, about ten months right?” The laughter in his voice makes me smile despite my wanting to kick his ass.
Flinging the bathroom door open, I chuck him my best bird and waddle my way back toward my stool and fondue set.
“Such a dick.” I mutter as I settle back in to my chocolate dipping party.
“Suck a dick?” Liam grins like a Mass mega millionaire winner. “God, Bell you sure are horny.”
Smiling evilly, I pick up a whole raw carrot and swirl it in the hot melted chocolate before pulling it up to my lips. With a quick flick of my tongue, I catch a drippy glob of hot runny chocolate before sinking my teeth harshly into the flesh of the carrot.
Liam shudders and uses his hands like a shield around his lap. “Jesus. All right, I take it back.” Shaking his head, he smiles softly at me and grabs a pretzel off of my buffet spread. Quickly popping it into his mouth, he mutters “Such a heartbreaking tease.”
“Whatever.” I laugh softly acknowledging that this little ritual of ours has kept me happy the last few days.
Ever since I’ve come into the home stretch of this pregnancy I’ve been sort of down, but I’m lucky. Liam and Maggie had been right her to pick me up and keep me high even when I didn’t want them to.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so ecstatic to be having this baby. I think that over the last few months I’ve really come a long way from the dark place I’d been in. I was in the right place now, a good frame of mind. I owed that to my friends and my dad.
Life was good, I was successful and happy in my career. I had great new friends who I considered a valuable and irreplaceable part of my family, so different from the one I’d previously belonged to but just as wonderful and special.
I’d landed a beautiful and surprisingly affordable spacious two bedroom condo in a secure and gorgeous building that sat beside the Common’s on Beacon Hill in the city. My bedroom was my favorite part of the condo, except the roof walk up patio that gave me additional space of coarse.
When I’d moved in, Liam had surprised me by ganging up with his sister Siobhan who happened to be a master carpenter. They’d blown me away when they’d remodeled my bay window into a day bed. Complete with billowing curtains and fluffy pillows, the view from the window held an exceptionally picturesque view of Frog Pond. It was so perfect, like something out of a Peter Pan fairytale. It really helped get me through the tougher days, when I could imagine how it would be to sit here in this space with Anthony and admire the city below the window. I knew once he was born and our life started to unfold that all this would be worth it.
I knew he would be worth it.
Every sacrifice, every doubt and fear that I’d overcome, it would all be an accomplishment to look back on years from now. That was something I took comfort in above all else.
“So what should we do today?” Maggie asks, bringing me out of my thoughts as she bites into a juicy strawberry.
“I’m eating.” I clarify, and to reiterate my point I reach for a strawberry of my own and dunk a healthy heaping of chocolate on the fruit.
“We know, Bell.” Liam grins. “We can bring snacks for the spawn, don’t worry.”
Somehow, he looks like he’s sincerely reassuring me that whatever activity we decide on there will be food present. This is what I love about my friends and it’s just about the only thing that keeps me content lately.
I love food too much to contend with the idea of going without even for a few hours. Cliche as it seems, I am always very hungry. A lot more than normal lately, but I chalk that up to the home stretch. Only twelve more days until the tenth of April, that’s when my due date will officially here.
My dad is planning to fly in next week to spend the next four weeks with me. He even managed to get me in touch with mom, which was an amazing achievement in my opinion. Since she’d remarried it’d been almost impossible to keep track of her. Her new husband Phil was a scout and professional trainer in the American league of Major League Baseball and they were constantly on the move.
However, she’d managed to arrange her busy schedule as a professional traveling tutor so that she could come up to see me once the baby was born. I was glad that her and my dad could get along civilly. It was to have both my parents supporting me. Even if my mother thought I was too young and too alone to have a baby on my own.
“Oh I know! We should go for a walk in the Common’s! Maybe you’ll lose your mucus plug!” Maggie suggested excitedly.
“Babe, I’m eating.” Liam’s face turns sour as he stares at the banana in his hand.
“I don’t really think walking around the Common’s is the best plan.” I speak up not even trying to hide my amusement over Liam’s sudden repulsion of his snack. “My ankles swell pretty fast lately. It’s probably not the best idea.”
“We could take frequent breaks. Common’ it’ll be so much fun. It’s spring, the little duckies are out.” Maggie whined.
“Yea, their little waddle is almost as cute as yours is.” Liam smiled widely as he dodged a piece of anisette cookie I lobbed at him. He caught it easily and shoved it into his mouth with pride.
“I’m not risking my mucus plug. It’s still too early, I’ve got like two weeks before my due date.” I complained. “I’m not in a rush and neither is Anthony and I don’t want to move things along faster than they’re intended to be.” I pat my tummy lovingly. “He’ll come when he’s ready.”
“Well, he’d better not come while we’re in Rhode Island this weekend.”
“I doubt he will. Besides, Doctor Ross said that most women go past their due date with their first baby and when he measured me yesterday I wasn’t even dilated yet. I think we’re safe.”
“We better be.” Maggie wagged her finger at my bulging belly. “Do you hear me mister?” She was already so good at scolding my son, I knew growing up with a house full of younger siblings had really rubbed off on her. She loved to parent, I had no doubt she’d be a great mom when her and Liam really started having kids. “You’d better stay put until Aunty gets back from her business trip.”
At the sound of her voice he wiggles and squirms, making me gasp a little when his foot crushes my lungs. No matter how long he’d been doing it, I still can’t get used to the fact that it feels like he’s trying to escape my body Alien style.
I combat as best as I can, with a sharp knuckle to the spot he’s currently digging at, I do my best to move him away from my ribs.
“There’s my little man!” Liam thunders, making the two of us jump. “Who’s the next Shawn Thornton, huh buddy?”
“You and your Hockey.” I roll my eyes at his antics as I try to settle Anthony out of my rib cage.
“Please, like you don’t feel that kid’s cross checking capability Bell? I’m tellin’ ya, he’s going to be the next enforcer with uncle Liam’s help. I can’t wait to get him out on the ice in a couple years.”
Liam and Maggie have made it a point to make sure I know that they plan to continue to be a heavy presence in my life after Anthony is born.
“You guys are nuts.” I lament jabbing my finger into Liam’s chest. “I blame you for his current rough housing inside my belly. If you weren’t putting these ideas in his head so early, I’d probably have less internal bleeding going on right now.
“Nah, there’s nothing that’s gonna stop this power house.” Liam reaches over and gives my belly a rub, making me roll my eyes at him. “You take it easy on Ma, huh there big guy? There’s plenty of time for roughhousing when you come out here with Uncle Liam.”
“Anyway,” I blow out a breath as I settle myself back onto the stool. “We could go out to eat? I’m really in the mood for Shepard’s Pie from The Purple Shamrock.”
“That’s a great idea, we could grab the T over to Quincy Market. I’ve been meaning to drop by Dick’s to pick up a new T-shirt. I could stop in while we’re over there.”
“I’ll take a cab thank you. There’s no way I’m getting in that sardine can anytime soon. It was bad enough when I wasn’t pregnant. I don’t want to risk either falling or getting squished.”
“Bostonian’s are a hell of a lot more courteous than New Yorkers are.” Maggie said as she shoved her arms into her jacket. “At least they’ll give up their seats for pregnant women and elderly folks.”
“True.” I agree. “Still, I hate the ride, it’s too jerky and fast. Every time I ride the Green Line I feel like I’m going to die.”
“That’s just part of the experience.” Liam laughs at me.
“Well, I’m not going to experience it while I’m this pregnant. I’ll stick to the surface and take a cab. I’ll walk if I have to.”
“I thought you didn’t want to walk?” Maggie scowls.
“I don’t but I would just to avoid the subway.” I turn to Liam, “I’m not going anywhere near Dick’s. Last time we were there they put a hat on me that said: I’m still a virgin...from behind.That was such a memorable experience!”
“Fuck, I forgot about that.” Liam chortles. “That was Goddamn hilarious, we need to go back there after you have the baby.”
“Yeah because that’s the type of place I’ll want to bring my son.” I give him the side eye. “Anyway, I’m hungry. Can we go?”
“You’re always hungry.” Liam interjects.
“Yea well, in a few weeks I won’t have an excuse anymore. So let me have my fun while I can still get away with binge eating.”
“You should eat what you want. You’re all belly any way, that’s the disturbing thing about you. From behind you don’t even look pregnant you just turn around and BAM! Belly! I love hanging out with you in public lately, it’s so entertaining when I see guys checking you out. Totally, very amusing when you turn around and give them an eye full of belly.”
I know she means it as a joke, but an entirely different reaction is spawn as her words hit my thoughts. “Gee, thanks Mag.”
“I didn’t mean it like that, Bella.” Maggie frowns. Reaching a hand toward me she catches my hand in hers. “Don’t get down. I just meant that it’s just funny because they are looking at you and then they notice how pregnant you are and this look of fear passes over their face. Watching their eyes dart around while they’re looking to see if anyone’s caught them looking is priceless.”
I know Maggie is only trying to make me feel better, I even recognize that I’m probably over reacting. My hormones are all over the place lately so it’s nothing new. Still, her words really hit my heart for some reason. As if I don’t already know exactly what everyone thinks when they look at me.
Single, hugely pregnant, and utterly alone. It’s an easy assessment.
Most men see me, get nervous about ogling and then realize they have nothing to worry about. There isn’t anyone around to stake their claim or defend my honor. It only takes them a moment to make their assessment of me. If they notice the lack of wedding ring on my left hand they assume I’m easy.
It had been uncomfortable to me once I’d started showing and now the bigger I got, the more difficult it became.
I tried not to let it get to me, but it’s getting harder and it’s not always easy to deal with. How am I supposed to feel? How can I explain to my friends that even though they keep me company and make me smile, it’ll never be enough?
It’s not fair of me, I know that. It’s just to hard to make them understand that they’ll never fill the void that he left in my heart. How can I make them see that I’ll never get over him? That there’s nothing anyone can ever do that will quell the ache I feel when I think of him. That I’ll never be normal or whole again because of the void that’s been left in my heart.
“Bella,” Maggie’s eyes follow my line of sight, fixed on my fire place mantel. “I’m sorry, please don’t get upset. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
“It’s okay.” I smile weakly as I pull my attention away from a photo of piercing green eyes. “It’s not your fault.”
“No,” She sighs and makes a face like she’s just finished sucking on a lemon. “It’s his fault.”
“Don’t start,” I scowl. “It’s not his fault either.”
“Well, who’s fault is it?” Now Maggie’s angry. This is the same tired conversation we’ve been going back and forth on since I’d come back from Washington this past fall. “You won’t confront him, and you won’t let me confront him-”
“It’s not you place.” I remind her, my voice low and vulnerable as I imagine just how she would confront Edward if I’d ever let her take the opportunity.
She’d do it too if she wasn’t certain it would break our friendship.
“Like hell it’s not!” She shouts. “You’re my best friend. My single, pregnant, emotionally spent best friend. He should know what’s going on here, Bella. Not just for you but for the baby he still knows nothing about. Why do you refuse to tell him Bella?”
“God, will you just drop it? Please Mag, I don’t want to keep getting into this with you.”
“I’ll stop getting into it with you when you tell me the reason you refuse to tell him about your pregnancy.”
“It’s not the right-” I start, but I’m quickly cut off.
“Time?” Maggie finishes my excuse. “When will it be the right time? You can’t keep it from him forever you know. Unless that’s what you’ve intended all along?”
“No, I’m not going to keep him in the dark forever. I’m just not ready to-”
“He might have moved on to newer fish in the sea, Bella but that doesn’t mean you have to wallow after him forever and it certainly doesn’t lessen his financial responsibility to you and this baby.”
“I never said that I was’t going to tell him. It’s just complicated.” I explain for what feels like the hundredth time.
“Yes, it’s complicated! No shit! I think we all realize that. Do you really think waiting it out will make it less complicated? God, you’re such a procrastinator and not just about this.”
“What’s that mean?” My face grows hot.
“I mean, you wait for the last minute on everything. You only make choices when you have to and most of the time you half ass that too! You’re going to be a mother Bella. Hell, you already are a mother! Why don’t you just act like it! Stop hiding in the shadows behind Edward’s memory.”
“I don’t know why you worry about it so much. If I want to wallow in self loathing it has nothing to do with you. I’ll handle it once I’m ready.”
“Are you fuckin’ serious right now?” She snarls back at me. “How can you act this way? Haven’t you had enough?”
I can feel myself shrinking back slightly as her face rises in scarlet color.
However, I try to bring my logic to the table by explaining what I’m feeling. I worry that my emotions will get the better of me if I do, but I realize now isn’t the time for holding back. If I want her to stop nagging and leave me the hell along on this topic then I need to set her straight. Both of them need to understand that I might never get better, nor will it happen over night.
“What do you know about it anyway?” I ask. “You’ve got Liam. You live together, you’re planning a life with him. What do you know about being alone? You got to find the person you want to spend your life with, he trusts you and you love each other. I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life Maggie. I’m going to have my son and raise him alone. How do you think that makes me feel? That I’ll never marry the man that parented my only child.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way.” She’s quick to argue. “You could move on. You could make a new life with someone, there are plenty of guys out there who would welcome a child with open arms.”
“You think that’s what this is about, don’t you? That I have some strange barrier up just because I’m scared that some man won’t accept my son years down the road? You think I give a shit about that, that I would waste my time with anyone like that?” I throw my hands up in frustration.
Staring her straight in the face, I blow out a long breath to push my emotions back down under the barrier I’ve built.
“It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that I’ve lost all trust and faith in relationships, could it? It wouldn’t be the fact that the person I loved most called me a liar and a whore over something I had absolutely no control over. Then to top of the hurt and humiliation of my own bad judgment, I got to watch as he hurled my engagement ring into the woods like it was a worthless gum ball machine prize.”
A deep breath was the only think that paused me from continuing on.
“Wait, oh, maybe it has something to do with my heart and mind being broken into a thousand pieces? As if I could ever recover from losing everything,” I grab at my belly in frustration as angry humiliating teats start to gather in my eyes. “Then have a constant reminder of it every minute of every day.” At this point I start screaming. “You think I want this life! You think I want to be here alone?”
“Bella,” Liam seems to wake up from his fog. “Just calm down okay-” He tries to calm me down, but I’m not listening.
“Jesus Christ Maggie, do you know how often I’ve sat here and tried to pick up the phone to call him?” I jab my finger toward my living room. Though I can feel my high blood pressure rising. In the back of my mind I know arguing like this isn’t good for me or Anthony but I can’t seem to help myself. It’s like everything I’ve bottled up is suddenly funneling out. Do you know how often I’ve crank called Alice and Esme just so I could hear their voices? How many letters do you think I’ve written and thrown away trying to explain myself?”
“I don’t know.” She’s dumb struck by my sudden outburst.
“Yea, that’s right. You don’t fucking know.” I let out a shaky breath. “You think you know, but you don’t. That’s the difference. I’m never going to get over him Maggie. Not because I’m hung up on him, but because of everything else in between. Do you understand that? My life was all about our life together. Every aspect and every plan I made revolved around the life I was making with him and not that’s all gone. IT’S OVER. That life is gone for me. My entire life is different from everything I’ve known and all I’m trying to do is get through one fucking day at a time right now. I don’t need you telling me that I’ve fucked it all up. I know that.”
I look her straight in the face and repeat myself. “I. know. That.”
“I’m sorry, okay.” There are tears shining in her eyes. “I know I come off too strong sometimes, I’m not trying to hurt you. It just makes me so angry Bell. You deserve so much better than this.”
“This” I stop her, my fingers make little quotation marks in the air. “Is my life, it might be shitty but it’s mine and for right now, it’s as good as this gets, okay? You think you get angry over it, well I’d hate to see if you had to be the one going through it. I didn’t get a choice in the hand I was dealt and just like everyone else, I’m doing my best to work through it.”
“I’m just trying to help you.” She reaches out to me but I pull back.
“Don’t help me, okay? The last person that tried to help me changed everything for me.” I let out a shaky breath as tears come inalterable down my cheeks. “Don’t fucking help. I don’t want anyones help. Not yours. Not Edward’s. NOT ANYONES!”
“All right girls,” Liam pulls Maggie toward him in a gesture meant to wind her down.
“Relax, okay, both of you.” He gives us both a long worried look.
“I’ll relax when the two of you stop this shit. I don’t need a babysitter.”
“You’re right Bell, this isn’t helping and it’s not good for Anthony.” Liam gestures to my tummy before he turns his attention to Maggie. “I know you mean well, but these are Bella’s decisions, remember?” His stern look is almost comical, but I can’t find it in myself to even smile right now. “Stop trying to nurture her, she’s already dealing with a lot and she doesn’t need extra criticism. Got it?”
“Got it.” She cools down slightly at his touch.
The intimate gesture stops my breath and pulls at my chest, so aching to a time from my past it suddenly hard to breath. It’s an emotion that I long to recall from my own life; when a single touch was enough to make the chaotic world stop turning and set things in the right perspective.
When one look and the breath of a single word was enough to calm me.
If they notice my controlled reaction they don’t comment. If anything, I think they’re too wrapped up in their own small world sometimes to realize how much I hurt when I watch them. It’s not them, I don’t blame or resent them. They’re in love and happy. I just wish I could stop this ache. I wish I could bask in the happiness they share openly.
Most of the time I fake it for the sake of mixed emotions and hard feelings. After all, it’s not Maggie and Liam’s fault that I’m an emotional cluster fuck. It is what it is and I accept it. Probably better than they do.
“Can we put this behind us for now and go get some food now?” Liam turns to me and tries his best dimpled smile. I know he’s trying to sell it. That he wants to keep everyone happy, that’s the one of the many qualities of Liam that I love. He’s so driven and committed to the people he loves. He’ll do anything to make them happy and keep them that way.
For a second I consider it. I want to forget the argument, enjoy a night out with my friends. Then I think better because I know better. I’m still on the verge of a breakdown, I can feel it building inside me and nothing is going to stop it.
The only thing I want right now is to be alone, I know without doubt I want it more than anything else. Even Shepard’s Pie from The Purple Shamrock.
“You know,” I amend. “I’m going to hang in tonight.You guys go ahead and enjoy yourselves.”
“No, Bella. Please come with us, I’m sorry I picked a fight with you.” Maggie looks crushed, for a moment I feel terrible but it passes quickly. I’ve got more important things to deal with right now and I don’t think she wants to see the breakdown I feel coming on.
“It’s not you.” I swallow roughly and offer up a lame excuse. “Now that I’m up and moving around more, I’m feeling kind of tired. Why don’t you guys go ahead? You’ll probably have a better time without me anyhow and I’ll just end up slowing things down with my pregnant waddling any how.”
I try to give them my best smile, but I know it doesn’t reach my eyes. It wouldn’t matter if it did anyhow, I can’t look either of them in the eye right now. I’m hoping they’ll just except my excuse and move on. It’s suddenly been a long day and I don’t think I want to deal with either of them for much longer.
“I’ll see you guy’s once you get back Monday night.”
“Bella,” Liam sighs.
From the corner of my eye I can see him staring at me with concern. I know he wants to say more, but he doesn’t because he knows better.
I’m on the verge and I think the three of us know it’s probably better to leave me now before I say or do something more I’ll regret. I already feel like I’ve said to much.
“Call if you need anything?” He asks softly as he pulls Maggie tight. This is his silent way of telling her to go with it. He thinks I can’t read the signs, but the truth is the two of them are so in the same way Edward and I were. I can read the two of them like an open book.
I think that might be why I’m so drawn to them. I’d be kidding myself if I said it was anything else really. They’re great people but something keeps me wanting to stay attached. At first, I’d thought it was just my loneliness, but now I wonder if it’s something more. I wonder if I’ll ever be normal around people. If maybe I should have taken Doctor Ross’s advice about being medicated for depression. At this point I feel like I’m beyond help. The thought makes me clench my teeth in frustration.
I hate the weakness I feel within myself. I hate what I’ve become because I no longer have him.
“Bell?” Liam steps toward me. The concern is back in full force now and if I want to get them out of here, I’d better put on my brave face and give them the assurances they need.
“Course.” I breath. “Have a safe trip and make sure you call me when you guys land, k?”
Without words Maggie walks up to me and pulls me tightly into her arms. She kisses the side of my head muttering a soft apology before pulling away with fresh tears in her eyes.
“We’ll bring you something cool from Rhode Island.” Liam offers up with a grin as he leans in to kiss my temple. “You be good little man!” He shouts at my belly while giving it a little tap.
“Thanks.” I shake my head with a little smile at the flutter of sudden activity under my ribs. Liam was always good about getting him moving even if it drives me crazy.
“I’ll call you when we touch down.” Maggie promises.
“I know. I’lll answer, I promise.” I smile at her.
“You better.” She’s grinning back at me as the two of them step through my door into the hallway.
“See ya.” I wave a little as they close the door.
Only when I hear the soft din of the elevator chime alerting me to their complete departure, do I allow myself the breakdown I deserve.
I’m alone in my condo, but the truth is that I’m never alone. The truth is, that this life I’ve got now? It’s the life I wanted with Edward, only now it doesn’t include him.I think that’s what is so painful. I’ve got my fancy degree and a graduation ceremony coming up after the baby is born. I’ve got a sweet little five floor walkup in the city and a decent career blooming around me. I’m having a baby.
I’m alone.
Friends and my dad will never really replace the loss of the man that I love.
Edward’s photographs litter every corner of my home. Pieces and little momentous of our life that were rescued from the place we shared in Seattle are scattered everywhere I look. In my family room the art I’d painted for him my junior year of college hands on the wall. On the mantle of my fireplace sits the seashells we collected the sand we’d gathered on the beach during our trip to The Southern Cross Club in the Cayman - the place that Anthony was undoubtedly conceived. My kitchen window is lined with the dozens of kitchen fairies his sister Alice and his mother Esme and I started a passionate collection over. My bedroom walls are lined with the family portraits that were taken from his brother Emmett’s and sister-in-law Rosalie’s wedding.
Despite the physical absence of Edward, he’s presence is still all around me.
Part of me wonders why I torture myself the way I do in this way but deep down I think I know why I do things the way I do.
I know I want to go to him. To tell him what he missing out on, to beg him to take me back. Then again, it’s not right and I can’t force myself. They’ll come a time someday and when it does I hope I’ll be brave enough.
For some reason, I’m drawn to turn my head toward the mantle above my fireplace, my eyes automatically locking with frozen green iris like they always do. This time something feels so different in the way his gaze penetrates me. It’s ability to root me to the spot is uncanny and even though I know it’s only a photo, I can’t help but feel scolded by him in this small moment. There’s nothing different about the picture, it looks the same as always but somehow it feels different.
“Fuck.” I mutter as a little unwelcome shiver runs through me.
I need to talk to him. He’ll listen this time. He’ll understand and he’ll help me with all of this. I know he won’t turn me away.
Suddenly, I feel brave. Maybe it was Maggie’s pushing but something in me feels like it’s snapped. I know it’s stupid, but I reach for my phone and dial the familiar number automatically. If there’s anyone that would be understanding and help me, it’s Esme.
It only rings twice.
“Hello?” I’m a little surprised to hear Rosalie answer but it’s not all together shocking.
That’s a lie. I’m currently stunned into silence.
“Hello?” She tries again, but this time she’s impatient.
“Hi.” My voice is scratchy, but I know she recognizes it by the sharp intake of breath I hear in my ear. “Can I speak with Mo-Esme please, Rose?” The slip up brings fresh tears to my eyes that I can’t hold back. I cry silently and grasp the back of my couch as I make my way around to the front to sit down before I fall.
It takes her a moment to collect herself, but when she finally does I remember the reason I was reluctant to call first.
“She isn’t in.” Her words are bitting and cold. Protective.
“Oh. Um, do you know if she’ll be back soon? I can call again-” My timid voice is cut off by her scathing angry one.
“Don’t you think you’ve done enough to this family Isabella?” She snaps. “Things are just starting to get back to normal around here.I don’t think anyone needs to be reminded of all the pain you’ve inflicted here, do you?” She snarls. “What is it you want anyway?”
Her words are severe but oh so true and even though they’re like a sucker punch to my mid section, I find myself knowing how right she is and realizing she doesn’t know the half of it. At the same time, I know she’s not the one I can talk to at all. She’s always been volatile at best toward me, so this attitude is something I’m used to from her.
“I just need to talk to Esme, please.”
“Well, I told you she isn’t in.” She huffs nastily.
Now I’m getting irritated. Rose can be a bitch, but I’ve learned to be an even bigger one.
“Do you know when she’ll be back? It’s important that I talk to her.” I try my hardest to keep it under control, but I can feel my fist clenching.
“Yeah, I bet.” She snarks back at me. “God, you’re so fucking pathetic.”
“I might be pathetic, but at least I’m such not a goddamned asshole!” I shout down the phone at her enraged and completely floored by her hateful remarks.
“Oh really? I think of few member's of this family would beg to differ. This is so typically classic of you, just as everyone’s moved on here you come back around. You’re not wanted here don’t you get that by now? God, can’t you just go with your original plan and disappear completely, don’t you understand that it’s in everyone’s best interests?”
“You know what?” I sniffle, her words solidifying everything I’d originally believed but forced myself to think was a lie. “You’re right.” It was in that moment I was so thankful I had a blocked caller ID.
“Damn right I am.” She clucked. “Move on and don’t call here again or I’ll personally make sure you’re aware just how unwanted you really are. Do we understand each other Bella?”
In my ear piece I hear a commotion but I ignore it.
“We’re clear. Do me one last favor, Rosalie.” I ask, making my voice as clear and tear free as possible. “Don’t bother making it known that I called today. It’s wasn’t really important to any of you any way.”
Even thoughI want to steel myself away until the phone is disconnected, I can’t. As I pull the phone away from my ear to hang up, I begin to cry. It isn’t until I start to hit the call end button, that I hear Alice’s voice shout my name through the line.
It’s too late though, I’ve already hung up the call and even though I’m aware of what’s happening around me I barely care. It isn’t until every shred of memory is destroyed that I allow myself to stop. I climb over broken glass and stumble into my bed screaming through the messy face of my tears and shaking so hard that I can hardly catch a breath.
I fall asleep that night cradling my belly in my arms, promising my son that he is loved and that I will alway be there for him even if his father isn’t. I’ve never felt so hopeless and afraid. I know the fear has little to do with me and everything to do with my son and his future. I’m so scared that he’ll never know Edward or have love for his fraternal family.
It’s early morning, still dawn when I wake with a start. Just as light starts to break over Frog Pond, I shift slightly with a wince of pain. Immediately I know something’s wrong.
Warm wet sheets stick to my now soaked yoga pants. I blink rapidly to try to wake myself from what feels like a dream. Maybe it’s a nightmare.
“No,” I shake. “It’s too early.”
Pulling the sheet back I get up as quickly as my pregnant body will allow and carefully sidestep the glass and broken photo frames that litter the floor between my bed and bathroom. Once I’m in front of the floor length mirror that hangs on the back of my door I stare mortified at my legs. Hastily, I peel my pants down and step my legs out taking note of the mucus plug streaked across my white cotton panties.
I don’t have much time to think as I grasp the door frame directly in front of me and grunt through what feels like a powerful contraction.
As it passes and I gain sanity again, I move quickly to my living room, barely taking notice of the absolute destruction I’d reigned down last night. Right now, I’m in search of my phone.
I hit the first speed dial, hoping they haven’t left for the airport yet but knowing deep down it’s late morning and they’re probably in the air.
I get Maggie’s voicemail first and try Liam next. Once his greeting tells me to leave a message, I do and try to be as calm and collected as I can be. I call Maggie back a second time, this time leaving her a message with a strange laughter in my voice.
“Funny, isn’t it?” I joke into the phone. “I’m going into labor even though it’s too early!” I’m delirious, I realize and terrified.
My dad is next and he answers on the first ring. Although, I’m not sure he’s much of a help. After shouting at me to call 911 once he discovers that I’m alone, he tells me that he’s booking a flight immediately and will be there when he can be. He then demands I stay on the line with him until I find a neighbor that will wait with me while I call for an ambulance and wait for the paramedics arrive. After three doors down to my left, an older woman answers the door and I’m free from my dad’s nervous breakdown. I promise him that everything will be okay even though I don’t have a clue if it’s truthful. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever be all right again. I think I know the true answer without having to really think to hard.
We hang up and the older woman - Mrs. Birdie, assures me one piece of wisdom as she folds her frail arm through mine. “Women have babies everyday. Not to worry dear.”
See, it’s not such a big deal!
Right.
This isn’t a big deal at all.
>
A/N: I know. Relax. I promise, it’ll all be explained. Especially Rosalie (that naught girl)! For those of you who assume Edward’s all but given up on Bella - think again. Remember, you’re only seeing Bella’s thoughts and POV right now. We have NO IDEA what’s happening with Edward.....but we will soon, okay? So trust me, everything I do in allllll of my stories is for a specific reason BB’s! It’s all work itself out and you’ll understand my logic in the end.